Getting out totally

While being an Adelaide org student was getting weekly phone calls from Flag encouraging me to return.  They eventually said I didn’t have to do the training program and I could just return and get onto the level.  However the problem for me was finances.  I figured I need 50-60k to get back onto the level.   So I had to come up with a scheme to make a considerable amount of money over and above my normal salary and other income activities.  I undertook a property development project  to make this extra money.  This did turn out to be successful although the time frames blew out and by the time I received the money I was well out.  This was a nice little bonus as I get to  keep the money instead of handing it over to the C of S
Anyhow, there was a great push for the ideal org cycle while Im studying on and off at Adelaide.  I was also intensively regged to come back on staff to be ED FND as Myrna Saffra had been recruited to be ED DAY.  
There was also intense pressure to donate for the ideal org cycle.  I thought this was a good cycle to begin with, then started to look at it a little more closely.   They were looking for little old Adelaide to buy a 40,000 square foot building and renovate it, with only a few staff and a very small number of active field.  I decided to go through all my old scio staff and field contacts  to see if there were enough, if we each gave about 20k to raise the money.  I started making a list of all these people I knew and went into the org and talked about this idea with the ED (Pat Malloy garrison missionaire to Ade org for many years).  I was quite shocked to learn that most of the people on my list were either dead, blown or declared.  There really wasn’t anything of the field and ex-staff that I knew. 
I was becoming less inclined to commit to any large donation, as my funds would not have contributed to the purchase of a building and would probably just be lost forever. 
There was continued intense pressure from CLO terminals, missions to Ade and SO staff to both get me onto staff again and to donate big time to the ideal org. 
Around this time I discovered Beliefnet and discussions about scio.  I had originally subscribed to a news service which gave me articles about C of S as I felt that there was just a PR smokescreen being generated by the church and no real factual data was being put out.
Through this news service I did read some anti-scio stuff.  There is the moderated Beleifnet area and the scio debate area.   I mostly read the moderated stuff, but saw post by Fluffy who called herself an indie scio.  I researched further on this subject and also wandered into the debate area and more critical info.  Here I started learning about the true nature of scio, and the takeover of the church, death of LRH etc. 
I also discovered ESMB around this time.  As the pressure from the org to contribute and get involved increased I found some solace in reading about the true nature of C of S and decided that I did not owe that group my allegiance anymore. 
While I had technically left in 2000, I was still an outer org student and ostensibly working towards getting back to Flag however long off this might have been.
But I really left in my own mind when I finally rejected the scientology paradigm and cosmology which was in 2008.   This was quite a loss for me as this belief structure was a very stable foundation to my life.   To consider that I would not escape the birth death cycle and would continue on a dwindling spiral without hope of salvation eventually, and that scio would not expand and handle the planet left me wandering aimlessly for a while in my head.
Since that time I have discovered a whole new world of spiritual advancement.  My primary interest in scientology was as a spiritual quest and while I was staff and made the obligatory contributions, I was most concerned with my own spiritual advancement  more than anything.  Thus I hung on for nearly 30 years  without much evidence and no significant personal experience of case gain.
I did not experience the horrible injustices and abuse that many have described by many others, particularly SO members. I experienced some unpleasant ethics actions, and was placed in a position of having my “eternity” put at risk if I did not toe the line on a number of occasions.  I recognise some of my actions as a GO staff member were deceitful and devious in promoting the church’s PR lines and various goals. Being in an out of the way outer org amongst some pretty sane old timers and other good aussie blokes and sheilas obviously helped though from time to time my experiences up lines were freaky and scarey. 
I worked diligently without liking my time on staff and continued to do this when I got onto OT 7.  I was not stellar, a great recruiter, disseminator, or a reg for FSM commissions or anything.  I gave  money to the IAS – about $30,000 US.  Not a lot in the scheme of things and a small amount compared to some, but I was not a high income earning person, just a wage earner  in a moderately well paid job.  I just kept at it and kept plugging away until this method did not allow me to move forward any longer. 
It eventually wore me down and defeated me.  I had to overcome many internal conflicts my fear  and dread of Flag  to keep returning and keep persevering.  I had some minor wins, but nothing significant,  through my persistence, however I thought I would reach my goal.  But realised in the end that it was a fools game and there was no pot at the end of the rainbow.  Thus 30 years of efforts, may be $250k all up  came to nothing. 
I have found alternative philosophies and have resumed pursuing spiritual goals.  I find most value of this board discussions of  the alternative subjects of buddhism, idenics and knowledgism and the subjects that banch off from those discussions.  This information has broadened my education as to the breadth of info available on spiritual subjects and my further investigations have revealed alternate routes to enlightened consciousness.   I do not believe in the OT abilities, but I do believe that I can attain my spiritual goals I set out to achieve  in this life and which I thought I would be able to achieve in scientology.
And if you get to the end of all this dear reader, I admire your perseverance.  It has been probably more therapeutic for me to write this than for you to read it, However there it is and while long winded, it is still only a summary of a very large portion of my life in the scientology cult. 
Hope it helps somewhat.

Stewart Payne